3 Tips for Connecting with Teens

Have you ever wondered what happened to your little baby who was always happy to see you? Do you even remember what it was like to have a child who cried only when something was actually wrong? What about all those sweet hugs and cuddles? Even a single word of sweetness would be nice from a teen, but those are about as rare as $100 bills laying around in the street. As a father of 5, I fully understand how difficult it is to look at your teens and remember that they were once perfect little babies, and because of that, it can be difficult to conjure up the patience and compassion needed to deal with their emotions. It’s difficult to feel compassion for someone who argues with everything you say and yells at you uncontrollably after a simple request to take out the trash. In spite of this, there is hope for teens, and chances are that if you love your teens and do your best as a parent, they will get over their teen struggles at some point, and you will have a good relationship with them, and they might even surprise you and turn out quite well. My wife and I have had our struggles as well, and while we are still in the thick of it (3 teens and 2 on deck), we have seen tremendous progress over the years in spite of our obvious shortcomings as parents. I may be a therapist, and I may treat teens and their families for a living, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not human, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t make a lot of mistakes. The wonderful truth is that even when, not if, you make mistakes, you still can, and definitely should, repair those mistakes, and the future may yet still be very bright for you and your teens. Keep reading as I lay out 3 solid tips that just might make all the difference for you and your teens.

Repair Damage Immediately

Repairing emotional damage immediately is probably the most important habit you can form for your relationship with your teens, and it can lay the foundation for healthy, life-long relationships. Emotional damage attacks the soul like cancer attacks the body. Cancer begins with a DNA damaging event, which can happen due to things like experiencing traumatic events and consuming harmful substances. These events are not uncommon, but our immune system is very effective at destroying any cells with damaged DNA so they can’t replicate. Cancer itself begins when the immune system fails to prevent these cells from replicating, and the result is that the cancer spreads, and this often leads to a life-threatening crisis within the body. Now let’s apply this analogy to emotions and relationships. We suffer trust damaging events or connection damaging events in any relationship we engage in. These can be words that are spoken or actions that are taken that do damage to us emotionally. As with damaged cells, we need a similar immune response in our relationship to prevent the spread of the emotional damage, which can grow like a cancer and cause long term damage to the relationship, or even destroy it. If we act quickly to repair the damage, the likely result is that the damage will be repaired, and the relationship will stay strong, and trust will be gained. If we do not repair the damage, it sits in the gut and festers, the emotional equivalent of cancer spreading. Keep in mind that it is often impossible to repair during an altercation. It is usually much more effective to allow time for each person to calm down and think rationally. For example, if, in a bad moment, you say something you regret, like calling your teens stupid, follow this formula: wait for them (and yourself) to calm down, ask for a private meeting, identify the hurt (in this case calling them stupid), apologize for the hurt, explain that you don’t actually believe that about them. This last step is the most important of all because what will fester within them is the belief that their own parent thinks they’re stupid (or whatever else you may have called them). After that, allow time for healing.

Explain How Your Actions Are Motivated By Love

The teenage brain may be more developed than that of a small child, but teens are still very egocentric, and they have a difficult time thinking rationally when situations affect them and get in the way of what they want. This egocentricity has a way of making them feel that the actions their parents take are unfair and are meant to cause them harm. Because of this, they naturally begin to question how their parents truly feel about them. My advice is to emphasize often the love behind the actions you take. They may not understand it at the time, but since you have emphasized it, when they question how you feel about them in the future, they will already have your answer, and they may be spared the pain of dealing with the idea that their parents don’t care about them.

Meaningful time with teens is time doing things with them that are the most important to them. This may not always be interesting to you, but it is very important to them. I have spent countless hours playing videos games, watching shows, being taught to draw, taste testing, learning new facts, taking walks, listening to music, shopping, and much more with my kids, and much of the time, I had no interest in doing any of those things, but the time spent with them meant something to them. If you think your teens would not want to do anything with you, you are most likely dead wrong. Your teens may not want to spend night and day with you, they may even want to be away from you a lot, but that is part of being a teen, and it doesn’t actually mean that they don’t want to spend time with you. They might just not want to play peek-a-boo anymore. Find the things they are most interested in and the things they want to share with you. Don’t be discouraged if they resist your first attempts. Keep trying. They may need time to come around to the idea, but your attempts will communicate to them that they are important to you, and there are few things more important than knowing that.

Wrapping Up

Teens are difficult to raise, but remember that being a teen is difficult for them as well. They usually don’t know why they do what they do either, and they greatly appreciate patience and forgiveness, even though they rarely express it. Also keep in mind that sometimes they are going through things that require professional help, and you may even want to seek counseling yourself to help you become a better parent and better connect with them. Whatever you do, remember that the best thing you can do is love them and do your best, and despite your mistakes, and as long as you don’t give up, there is a good chance that you are building a foundation for a healthy relationship with your teens that will last a lifetime.

lonely girl 03 Dec 2018
Loneliness

I’ve had the privilege of working with many different types of people-addicts, veterans, couples, singles and even a few kids. Although they each had individual issues, they each grappled, in some way, with loneliness.

At it’s core, loneliness is about a lack of connection. That connection could have been broken by the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. Another type of loneliness can occur when a person makes a whole change of environment. Perhaps you moved to a new state for a job or fresh start. Making new friends can take time and that might lead to some lonely days. Loneliness can be weakened or strengthened depending on one’s perspective. Let’s focus on three types of loneliness and take a look at strategies to overcome these types of loneliness.

Loneliness in relationships:

Most of my work is with couples. Couples can lead a lonely existence in a relationship when they don’t feel listened to. Being lonely in a relationship seems odd because we’re with somebody. We share space with that person. But if key ingredients are missing then the feelings of loneliness can and most likely will occur. Communication is a main “relationship” ingredient and if BOTH sides of the couple aren’t willing to work on this skills, that loneliness of not being heard and listened to can lead a spouse or significant other to another person or the end of the relationship.Couples can lead a lonely existence in a relationship when they don?t feel listened to.

Typically after an initial session, I email all my couples worksheets on reflective listening skills and creating fair fighting rules in handling disagreements. Bad listening is a learned behavior that perhaps we learned from our parents. We can learn new behaviors to improve our listening abilities. Having fair fighting rules, if you use them, can move a couple from an adversarial relationship (Me, you, win, lose) to learning to fight the problem together and not against each other. These are building blocks in becoming less lonely in a relationship and more connected.

Loneliness in singleness:

Are you single? Do you struggle with loneliness? Maybe not every day, but sometimes? I can relate. I didn’t get married until I was 41 years old. I spent most of my young adult life in single groups and dating sites on the internet hoping to find that one connection that would cure my feeling lonely. When I was 30, I watched a lot of friends get married. I kept asking God when was it going to be my turn to start a family.  I wasn’t a hunk, but I’ve always been a nice guy. Nice guys finish last. I felt like that and my loneliness led me to have some incredible pity parties. Me, myself and I showed up and all three of us never made the party better. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and focusing on personal growth areas that I began to change and that brought about a different perspective shift.

My focus took a change to where it wasn’t all about me. My identity wasn’t rooted in desperation to be with someone any more. I found my security as a single person was rooted in my faith and having healthy friendships. I could be independent and happy and still be single. One day I was listening to a guest speaker at my church and he had experienced incredible loss in his life. He had lost his whole family in a massive flash flooding accident? He was the only one that survived. Google: Robert Rogers family and learned how he coped;  had appeared on many of the morning talk shows and people asked him how he could go on and survive such a tragic event. He said it was the peace of God that was getting him through it and quoted this verse that changed my life:

Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Right then the light bulb turned on in my brain. I wanted that peace in my love life. So, at 38 years old, this scripture set me on a new path. I trusted all of my hopes, my dreams and my expectations of being with someone over to God’s care. I had to be at peace whether I married someday or never dated again. What about you? If you’re single, how have you coped with feeling lonely in your singleness? Moping about it and having endless pity parties won’t help. Remember, if you do nothing, nothing changes. Focus on others. Volunteer at your church or a community group. Find social groups that align to your interests and hobbies so you can meet other people. If you need more ideas, reach out to me. I can help because I’ve been there. I would love to help you take the first few steps of finding happiness in being single.

Loneliness in children:

One little documentary was released this summer that captivated the nation if not the world. Won’t You Be My Neighbor? is about Fred Rogers and his passion for making connections. He connected with kids like almost nobody else. He showed them that no matter who they were, they had value. They mattered, and they are loved. He also listened to the children he interacted with. He was genuinely interested in what they had to say. That told them that they had a voice. Most of us have seen Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on PBS when we were younger. The message of Mr. Rogers needs to be repeated over and over. Because many of today’s kids feel like they don’t have a voice except on social media and sometimes that’s a scary place to be. Research continues to show that kids and teens that are constantly on social media and not interacting in person are more prone to loneliness and self esteem issues.

The ills of society have left our kids feeling lonely. Divorce has caused kids pain and hurt and even damaged their thoughts. Often, their hopes are drowned out by the roar of their parent’s anger. Some children become pawns in a game of power play that parents create to get their kids to side with them.

What can we do about this growing epidemic?? Here are a couple of suggestions.

  1. Interact with your children. Make time to take them on parent-child dates. Trips in the car are valuable for conversation. Listen to them. Get to know you kids interests, hopes and fears. Find out who their friends are and get to know their parents. Have fun with your kids and let them know it’s ok to have feelings, good and bad.
  2. Be consistent in your own behavior. Follow through with what you say you will do. Model appropriate behavior around your children. Your kids are watching you and they look to you for moral, emotional, structure, and spiritual guidance. If you’re not providing these, the child that gets older can become more susceptible to listening to those voices and examples that do not have their best interests in mind.

Lastly if a child is lonely, we have an incredible opportunity to help them form healthy connections? Do they have someone they can talk to and spend time with like a teacher, friend, relative, mentor or parent? We all need healthy connections and children are not different. This article has just scratched the surface to what some face. Counselors at Armstrong Family Counseling have a wealth of experience to help adults and children cope with loneliness.

Connecting with others is a big way to overcome the stigma of loneliness. If you are lonely and need to talk, contact us today.

Fathers Day, Divorce, and Mediation 22 Jun 2018
Father’s Day, Divorce, & Mediation

As we’ve recently celebrated Father’s Day, I was reminded that the purpose of Father’s Day is to acknowledge all fathers and celebrate their special day. However, if your family has been impacted by divorce, it may not seem like a celebration. If this sounds like your situation, it may feel extremely stressful for you, your ex, and your children. If you are a mother, please remember you are normally the first person your child bonds with. Therefore, you can assume a positive role of modeling how to respect their father, no matter how you may feel about him (unless he was abusive and safety is a concern.) I would ask the same type of respect from him on Mother’s Day.

By having an open dialogue with your ex, your communication models how you have set aside any negative feelings toward the father(s) of your children because you know that is best for your child or children. Depending on the ages of your child/children, volunteer to take them to a card store so they can choose a Father’s Day card. Or, if that isn’t in your budget, suggest that they make a card.

If your child/children express an interest in giving dad a gift, again, follow through with their idea. If finances are an issue, once again, encourage them to make something for dad. Even if you have negative feelings toward their father, by helping them with these tasks, you are modeling for them how to care for another human being.

Allow your children to spend Father’s Day with their dad on his special day. Try to do this no matter what is outlined in your parenting plan (if you don’t have a parenting plan or need to revise it and don’t want to pay for an attorney or the cost of going to court, consider contacting a mediator to help you resolve any conflicts or to assist you in making changes to the plan.) Flexibility and mutual consideration as co-parents makes your children much healthier emotionally and mentally.

If geography or travel logistics are an issue in bringing together your children and their father, suggest using social media so they can see each other. Depression, loneliness and isolation are common in divorced or estranged parent(s.) If you experience these things frequently, please contact a therapist and /or seek help. I can help you. Your children need you in their lives.

Fathers, you need to ask your ex-spouse and/or the mother of your children for what you need. Maybe you (father) would really like your child/children to spend Father’s Day and an additional day since school is out for the summer. If you and your ex can communicate and practice being flexible, you are less likely to feel resentful.

For both parents, even though you are divorced, remember to stay focused on the needs and well-being of your child/children. It is crucial to plan ahead for holidays or other special days so your child/children see that even though you are divorced, both of you are co-parenting in healthy ways.

If you are struggling with co-parenting, or other issues, mediation may be something to consider. Mediation is a more peaceful, economical resolution to resolve conflict. Please contact me. I am a therapist and a Kansas State Supreme Court Approved Mediator. Let’s start rebuilding your relationships today!

Can talking to someone help my anxiety 14 Jun 2018
Can Talking To Someone Help My Anxiety?

There is an old proverb, Confession is good for the soul. But is it really?

It sounds odd but can talking with somebody make you feel better? It can and it does. But why does it work? Why can just something as simple as talking about something that you are worried about, or feel guilty about make you feel better and less stressed?

To understand that question you have to understand how memory storage in our brains work. Doctors as far back as the 1890’s have recognized some memories fade into nothing and some memories resist that fading away. Mostly the memories that won’t fade are ones that are charged with emotions.

Simply, there is a part of us that feels and there is a part of us that thinks. Generally, we want to keep these things in balance. However, in life when we are scared, worried, guilty or sad we feel those emotions strongly. When your feelings are strong it diminishes your capacity to think; especially, your ability to say what you are feeling.

Have you ever seen a parent tell their screaming child to “use your words.” The parent instinctively recognizes that a child has to calm down and talk before they can stop being hysterical. That is because when the part of your brain that feels gets overwhelmed your body will actually shut down parts of itself in order to conserve fuel. When the “fight or flight” part of your mind is triggered, energy is diverted from other parts of your brain-systems in order to give you energy to fight of run. One area that is impacted is your ability to think rationally. 

So, let’s say you got in an argument that escalated. Or that you made a mistake at work and are scared you will be fired for it. So, in that moment you are feeling strong emotions instead of thinking. If you do not communicate with anyone about it, after your emotions have calmed down, you will be putting that memory into the bookshelf of your mind with an emotional charge.

So what does an emotionally charged memory do? An emotionally charged memory is one that when you think about that memory you feel that emotion all over again. So you could be lying in your bed after having had a great day but start thinking about something from your past and BAM! Right there in your bed you feel what you felt then. Despite the fact that you just a moment ago felt at peace with the world. That is an emotionally charged memory.

Going back to the initial question, why does talking help you feel better? Because in order to take the charge out of a memory you have add thought to that memory. Remember that you both think and feel. A memory that is all feeling and no thinking will remain a charged memory. But when you talk about the past, especially when you think about what you were feeling and why, it helps add thought to that memory . A memory that has thought and feeling in it a memory that can be put on the bookshelf of your mind and just fade into the thousands of other memories there.

When you talk to someone who influences you to think about why you felt what you felt it can make that emotional charge go away which feels wonderful. This is why the whole practice of counseling even exists. To help people remember their past without feeling what they felt in the past.

Do you feel that you are haunted by your past? Do you feel that there are things in your past that you will never get over? Let’s get together. I can help you move forward. Contact me today!

A key to connecting with your kids 06 Jun 2018
A Key to Connecting with Your Kids

Just Get Out of the Comfort Zone. Just Be DAD.

Remember the song “Danger Zone” from the movie Top Gun? I loved that movie, and the Kenny Loggins song is a must for any retro fan. In the movie, the song was the perfect soundtrack for those flying scenes, as the pilots pushed their aircraft to the limits and beyond, into the danger zone, where the engines could stall or worse. It was a perilous place to be.

Serious mountain climbers know about the “death zone.” On Mount Everest and some of the other highest peaks in the world, once a climber reaches about 26,000 feet, the amount of oxygen is insufficient to sustain human life. Many climbers have died because they weren’t properly prepared or didn’t have enough oxygen with them.

Most of us will probably never climb into a fighter jet cockpit or attempt to summit the world’s tallest mountain, but there is another danger zone where we dads often find ourselves with our families: the comfort zone. I like being in the comfort zone. It’s free of stress and the craziness of life that is so often around me at home. Some might call this my “happy place.” There are times that we need an oasis where we can drown out life around us and find peace and serenity. But if we want what’s best for our families, the comfort zone is a place we are never meant to stay for very long.

When I first got married, I married not only my wife but also her family, which included two boys in their mid to late teens. For a while I had a hard time building a relationship with them. I’d get home from work in the evening and they’d usually be in the living room, watching a television show I didn’t get or couldn’t care less about. It was much easier for me to get my dinner and retreat into the more comfortable sanctuary of my bedroom. I could read a book or watch TV and I didn?t have to engage with them unless it was on my terms.

At the time, I thought: What was the point? I couldn’t relate to them and they certainly couldn’t relate to me, at least on the surface. Clearly, I was missing the point. I was off in my comfort zone, and I wasn’t going to be intentional about being a dad to them.

My wife LeeAnn was so patient with me, and every now and then she would enter my serene hideaway and remind me that I didn’t marry just her, but also two boys she loved deeply. If I wanted to develop a better relationship with them, I had to leave the Comfort Zone. I had to engage them.

That word “engage” has transformed who I am as a father. This didn’t happen overnight, and there were starts and stops as I kept fighting off selfishness and the desire to go back to the Comfort Zone. But then one day my father-in-law gave me advice on how to be intentional as a dad. He said that if I wanted to become closer to the children, I had to drop the labels, quit thinking of them as my stepsons and foster daughters but rather as my sons and daughters. I had to stop labeling myself as a step dad and foster dad, and just be dad. He said the labels that we use often create distance and give those of us that are not biological dads an excuse to keep that separation.

I had to stop labeling myself as a step dad and foster dad, and just be dad.

He was right. While an attorney might say that, from a legal perspective, step and foster kids are the correct wording, I have grown past that and see them as my children, for as long as God allows them in my life. Several months ago, we decided after 5 years of fostering, to take a break. It was good for our marriage, and last year, I discovered a whole new zone: The Grandparent Zone. Our youngest son and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Now I get to learn to just be grand-dad!

Being an engaged dad means being hands-on and enthusiastically involved in your children’s lives. It’s getting to know them on their level and being consistent in letting them know you are there. It also means that as they get older you are coaching them and modeling how to live by your actions and how you live. An example of this is how they see you handle conflict or adversity and perhaps more important, how you treat your spouse or their mother. Believe me, your young ones are watching.

You can’t do these things by being in your comfort zone. That sends a whole other message that says “Leave me alone,” or “You’re not worth my time.”

That sounds cruel, doesn’t it? Yet our country is full of disengaged fathers. I see it in the neighborhood we live in, and as a foster dad, I see it in the families of the girls we work with. Many dads are physically absent, others are present but emotionally distant, and some have hurt their kids so much that they aren’t allowed to be around and in their life.

Engaged fathers and father figures really do make a difference. Since I have left my Comfort Zone as a dad, my relationships with both of my stepsons are vastly improved. Things are far from easy, but they can see that I’m more interested in them and many more activities and conversations have had positive results.

Do your relationships with your children need a transformation? Be an intentional, hands-on dad. You will make mistakes here and there, but you will also learn from them. Embrace your role as a father and make a difference in the lives of other kids. Close up shop on the Comfort Zone.

Even now, I have days when the comfort zone is awfully tempting. But I rely on my faith, my patient and loving wife, and other dads who encourage me.

Just Get Out of the Comfort Zone. Just Be DAD.

**Original article published by the National Center For Fathering**

 

Couples Therapy - Is It Time to Separate 28 May 2018
Is It Time To Separate?

“Is choosing to separate the best option for me?” Choosing to separate in a marriage is never an easy decision to make. It is my hope that by reading this article you can gain some perspective on the topic of separation. A separation is different from a divorce in that you and your spouse will still legally share all parental and financial responsibilities. Also separations tend to have many different flavors. Here are the 3 most common types.

The Working Separation

In a working separation the couple separates in order to spend time improving themselves. Maybe a spouse has a mental health issue they are working on, or perhaps one spouse has an addiction they need to focus on. Working separations are best when there is an informal agreement between the two partners. This agreement will ideally have an explanation as to what issue needs to be worked on, who will take care of the kids and other responsibilities, what limits or boundaries are placed on communication (we’ll only communicate through text or email, or no communication for 2 months, etc.) and on what grounds will reconciliation take place. Working separations have the highest chance of resulting in reconciliation. If you think this is the type of separation you are looking for please contact a therapist or counselor–like myself--and draw up this contract with their input and guidance.

The Trial Separation

A trial separation is when one or more persons in the marriage express a desire to try what being single feels like. The idea is that the person is given time to clear their head.  Afterwards they will then decide on whether or not to pursue reconciliation. One person generally will move out, either to another part of the house or to another place all together. Trial separations most commonly occur in families without young children.

These separations have a high rate of ending in divorce because most people leave a marriage when the pain and frustration are so high that staying seems impossible. Then, when they leave they find that being single has less pain and frustration then being married and make the jump to divorce.

The Legal Separation

This option is pursued most often when a marriage has become stale and anemic; there is little good in the marriage but also little frustration also. The couple may stay together for the sake of the children or because they both feel that becoming single is not attractive.

Whatever type of separation you are considering please understand that separation is a matter of last resort. Typically, divorce is the result of separation far, far more often than reconciliation. That being said if you separate when your pain and frustration haven’t yet caused you to give up there is a better chance of reconciliation afterward compared to waiting until you have one foot out the door.

If you or someone you know are going through a situation and you are contemplating separation or divorce, contact me today. I can help you work through your issues and come up with a plan that is best for your unique situation and relationship.

Where do we begin-Staying together after an affair 26 May 2018
Where Do We Begin? Staying Together After an Affair

Should I stay, or should I leave? After an affair, an injured partner faces this question. It’s never easy, and there is no one size fits all solution.

Experiencing the infidelity of a partner can be so painful. It can make you believe you are losing your mind, and your life, as you have known it. Infidelity creates a sudden upheaval in everything you believed about your spouse, about yourself, and about your future. Several couples are unable to remain intact, and will move to end the relationship. But what if you aren’t yet sure, or want a different outcome?

Many areas in your relationship will need to be addressed, and it can be difficult to know where to start. If you are choosing to stay in your relationship, here are a few suggestions to help you and your partner repair, rebuild and reconnect.

Repair

Staying in a relationship, following an affair, requires addressing all of the changes that have occurred because of it. Changes, especially those we didn’t personally want or choose, can come with very strong negative feelings. Its important these feelings are acknowledged, and by both partners.

There is usually no shortage of hurt and anger, and you may find conflict has become your main method of communicating. Hurt can manifest itself in several ways. Anger tends to be one that is most commonly used, however, anger rarely comes alone.

Betrayed, sad, lost, scared, alone, confused, resentful, and vulnerable are just a few likely to surface. Each relationship is unique, however, and so are the feelings that come with it. Identify the feelings, as well as the underlying fears, insecurities, and loss the affair has created. This helps focus your communication and creates a deeper understanding of the hurt and anger.Emotional woman

Repair focuses on understanding our individual reaction to the affair, as well as recognizing that trust and friendship have now been called into question. To address the loss of trust and friendship, it’s crucial to actively practice being a better friend. This may seem obvious, but can often be overlooked in our everyday routine.

Learn what circumstances currently trigger negative feelings and/or conflict. Take action to correct these situations, and practice generating positive feelings instead. Be mindful of your daily exchanges and build an atmosphere of comfort, kindness and consideration. This creates a more neutral environment, and a neutral environment naturally reduces extra day-to-day conflict. I’m sure you will agree that any way you can reduce conflict, will be of great benefit to you.

Consider actions such listening without interruption. It sounds simple, but isn’t always so easy. You can also defuse your environment by helping out with routines and daily activities, being considerate in your living space, giving genuine compliments, paying attention, and checking in with your partner about how they are doing. If you aren’t already taking these actions, then this is a great opportunity to demonstrate care for your partner. With repetition and consistency, over time you share connections, and develop a sense of security.  This helps to repair the trust, and sets the course for you to rebuild your friendship.

Friendship | holding hands

Rebuild

The level of friendship between partners is a significant indicator for success in a relationship. The stronger your friendship connection, the higher your relationship success.

When your relationship began, together you created a vision of hopes, dreams and goals you planned to work towards. This includes houses, children, careers, vacations, lifestyle goals, and the timeline for achieving them.  An affair is not typically part of this vision, and can lead the injured partner to question: Have we really been working toward the same goal all along?

This question can lead to uncertainty about your future, and in need of confirmation about what the future holds. Address this uncertainty by communicating your intent to stay together, as frequently as needed. Be honest and clear about what you want going forward, and encourage your spouse to do the same.

Communicate your boundaries and expectations going forward. As you make these adjustments, you establish a clear vision of the future while also reassuring your partner of your intent to stay together. You are mending a friendship. By consistently addressing the uncertainty you demonstrate caring for your partner. By sharing and re-negotiating expectations and goals, you establish a plan for being together. Both are needed to encourage your friend to remain your friend.

couple falling In love by lake

Reconnect

As we have all heard, time heals. But while you allow time to work, this is the time to take active steps to build more closeness with your partner. Even if you and your partner are managing to get along, life can manage to shake things up at any time.

Acknowledge Landmines. Reminders of the affair, or that affairs exist, are similar to landmines. You never know when or where they may be hiding, but when you find them they blow up your whole day, week or even longer. A song on the radio, a scene in a movie or TV show. Maybe a news article, mention of a city, or specific location connected to the infidelity. These and many more not only can, but unavoidably will also pop up.

When landmines show up the emotional response can feel just as strong?as the day the affair was discovered.? These experiences are, to say?the least, uncomfortable, and the straying partner may feel that?talking about them would be poking the emotional bear.

You or your partner may want to avoid, minimize, or even ignore them, but don’t. As awkward or uncomfortable as these situations may be, they are actually opportunities for partners to share and understand the ongoing impact of the infidelity, and then work through the hurt together. Emphasis on together.

landmine warning

The injured partner will be faced with landmines on sometimes a daily basis. Dealing with them alone can make your partner feel alone, not understood, and uncared for. These feelings will no doubt defeat your goal of coming closer together, and will only create further distance between you. Working through these feelings together allows you the opportunity to heal together rather than separate and alone. It can prove comforting when your partner is considerate of this, and is willing to consistently demonstrate caring and support.

Working together through an affair takes time and a great deal of patience. The challenge of addressing the damage when our hurt and defensiveness is high can be overwhelming, and at times seem impossible to overcome.  Finding ways to reconnect with your partner can be difficult or at times may not be well received.man kissing his lovers hand

Practice patience, with yourself and with your partner. Unfortunately there is no timeline or rule book for exactly how you will find your way back to each other. At times you may want to speed up the process, only to find a new bump in the road. Rest assured this is truly a situation where persistence and consistency pay off. Stick with it, and you can get the results you are looking for.

If you have dealt with this or are dealing with this, reach out to me. I can help you. I specialize in relationships. Don’t wait another day to start healing!

A man and woman sitting on a bench in a park. 16 May 2018
How To Handle Infidelity

Marriage is a time when vows are taken. Vows become a covenant. Covenant is a word you may not hear a lot of unless you read a spiritual book like the Bible. It is sacred word. Nowadays, there are people who don’t view marriage as sacred. When people in a relationship commit to each other and exchange vows, ideally, that event should be set apart. What happens when that commitment is not looked after? If a marriage is left unattended or neglected by either spouse, then ugly will occur. What happens to the marriage if the husband or wife decides to seek comfort in the arms of another?

Infidelity, like adultery, is an ugly word. Yet when spouses engage in an affair, ugly is the last thing they think about. It’s a time of excitement and adventure for them. The nagging guilt of breaking vows is often pushed back. Like an addict, the adulterer is very good at rationalizing their behavior. It’s only when the person is caught or decides to finally come clean that the repercussions and consequences begin to unfold. For the person being betrayed? Other emotions are displayed. Anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness come screaming to the forefront. Overnight, trust is shattered. They ask questions and no answer seems good enough.

What happens next? For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and to them there is no option but divorce. Lives are irrevocably changed. Families are broken up and kids are left to wonder, “what happens now?”  There are a plethora of reasons why the Bible speaks so forcibly on the subject of adultery. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the 10 Commandments.  God has warned us of the devastation that infidelity can bring. It doesn’t get much plainer than those 4 words. It’s Gods way of putting up flashing neon lights, road blocks, and danger signs just to get our attention. Yet the sexual revolution has made it easier to go around these warnings signs and plow right into the ugly and pain.

There are some couples that fight for their marriage. It is a difficult and emotionally draining time for both spouses. Offending spouses should come to a point of brokenness, not because they got caught, but because it is in that space of brokenness that remorsefulness is authentic that spouses can own up to their trespass. If the repentance is genuine, is there a chance for forgiveness and reconciliation? For those that seek reconciliation, counseling can be a place where healing begins to take place. My goal is that when clients meet with me or any therapist at Armstrong Family Counseling that they enter into a safe space that’s nonjudgmental and a place that fosters hope.

Both spouses have to face certain truths about the state of their relationship. They will have to individually and together decide if their marriage is worth fighting for. They will have to be willing to listen to each other. They should come to a point where they are willing to walk through the many different emotions and actions that a counseling session might bring up.

Perhaps for the first time they will learn to be on the same page. But as I am sure you know, nothing worth while ever comes easy. Rebuilding a marriage will take time.? There are no easy fixes. If you are spiritual, then God or your higher power can play a giant role in bringing about new life to the marriage. With honest hard work from both spouses, and lots of prayer, there is hope for a new beginning. One woman wrote on the website The Unveiled Wife about her experience and what occurred when she trusted God to rebuild her marriage into something better.

There is a reason for EVERYTHING, every tear, every heartache, and every lonely night. Our marriage is already significantly more intimate, physically AND spiritually, than it ever was in the previous five years. Our God can heal? Our God can renew? It is all possible with our God. Believe!

If you need help moving forward, I am a relationship expert. I can help you. Don’t wait, contact me today!happy couple

Girl at peace around flowers 21 Apr 2018
The Mental Health Benefits of Physical Self-Care

Saying the mind and body are connected is nothing new. The Ancient Greeks attempted to understand the mental phenomena of emotions and their complex connections to physiological order. That fascination continued through the Roman era, the Renaissance, and on throughout history — and that’s just Western European culture. Physicians and philosophers all over the globe have explored the mind and body connection since the beginning of time and even recent science backs up the claim that they are intrinsically connected.

If you are not taking care of your physical self, your mental health is likely not where you want it to be. For instance, one of the main symptoms of depression is poor personal hygiene. Addicts are another good illustration of this problem. Addicts turn to self-harm in the form of drug or alcohol abuse as a way to cope with their own mental health issues. While environmental and genetic components also contribute to the disease, the mind/body link plays its part.

Taking the time to take care of the physical self can have a helpful impact on your mental health and addiction recovery. In addition to seeking help and supervision through a physician, try incorporating the following self-care rituals into your routine.

Establish a Solid Sleep Routine

Sleep is awesome, so why do so many of us get so little of it? According to the American Sleep Association, 50 to 70 million American adults have some sort of sleep disorder, insomnia being the most common one. Sleep problems are common in addicts, as well. Drug and alcohol abuse disrupt the body’s natural rhythm along with the neurochemicals and hormones that help control rest. After a while, the body forgets how to rest properly.

Thankfully, you can retrain your body by establishing a sleep routine and following it religiously. It’s not just about going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day — although those two things are key. Practicing good sleep hygiene has a lot to do with how you spend the hours before bedtime.

  • Limit stimulants including nicotine and caffeine.
  • Invest in some soothing herbal teas you can drink leading up to bedtime to help brain and body relax.
  • The glow of your television, computer and smartphone screens keep the brain alert. Turn them off and put them away an hour before bed.
  • Turn your bedroom into a sanctum of rest. Buy yourself nice linens, keep the room temperature cool, and use a white noise machine or essential oils to create ambience.
  • Read a chapter of a book before you fall asleep to help your mind wind down. If you are still not sleepy, read another chapter until you are.

Exercise Regularly

You may think exercise is just something you have to do if you want to lose weight, but it’s essential to the addiction recovery process. Drugs and alcohol trick your body to think it needs them by triggering the brain’s reward system. When you give up those substances, you can help beat cravings with exercise. Physical activity also stimulates that part of the brain while also releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and endorphins, which relieve pain and promote a positive mindset. You don’t have to train for a marathon to get these benefits, either. Just walking an extra half hour a day provides significant benefits.

Explore Healthy Stress Release

Finding some way to release stress and anxiety in a healthy manner is essential for addiction recovery. Meditation, yoga and hobbies like knitting help people tune out those thoughts and criticisms without having to use drugs or alcohol. Think of them like exercise for your brain. During these mindful exercises, you will experience negative thoughts. However, by recognizing those thoughts, dismissing them and returning your attention to your activity, you are training your brain to dismiss them on its own. The more you practice, the easier it becomes and your brain learns to automatically pass over self-criticisms in your day-to-day life so you can stay focused.

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Since the mind and body are connected, your physical health has a significant impact on your mental health and vice-versa. When you struggle with a mental health issue like addiction, incorporating a solid sleep routine, exercise, and healthy coping mechanisms for stress all contribute to recovery. Incorporate daily physical self-care routines in your efforts to heal yourself holistically.

**Visit Brad’s website and learn more about becoming the best you here

Family Counseling - Am I Married to a Narcissist 12 Mar 2018
Am I Married To A Narcissist?

I get asked this question a lot in my counseling sessions. So, I thought I would take some time to address it here. Most of the time I am asked by one member of a marriage or relationship if their partner is narcissistic. Usually this is a question that they ask because they are genuinely confused as to why their spouse always seems to control the conversation, belittle or dismiss their opinions, or seem to have a sense of entitlement.

The first thing I check is if anyone else outside of the relationship sees this pattern? Do other family members, friends, or co-workers see these behaviors or is it just around you that he or she acts this way? If your spouse is treating other people this way and/or they have a history of doing this in their past, then it’s more likely that are narcissistic.However, what if you are the only one that they seem to act this way around. Does that make them a narcissist? Honestly, it makes it less likely. If a certain behavior only shows up in one setting, then there is something about that setting that is causing the behavior. In other words, if you are the only one who thinks your spouse is a narcissist then you might what to consider other possibilities. One possibility is that your marriage has reached gridlock.

A marriage that is in gridlock tends to look like this:

  1. There has been a long period of mutual pain, frustration or disappointment.
  2. It has been a long time since you each genuinely enjoyed being in each other company.
  3. When you fight neither you nor your spouse view it as productive.
  4. When you fight neither you nor your spouse feel heard.

Marriages in gridlock get that way because one or both spouses feel hurt. Because they have been hurt repeatedly by their partner they stop seeking the other partners well-being. Instead the hurt spouse begins to focus on damage control. Their goal becomes just getting through each day with their head down and hoping that they don’t piss of the other spouse.

This type of mentality causes a person to mimic many of the signs of narcissism. The person starts to control the conversation instead of listening because they are trying to prevent you from hurting them with your words or tone of voice. They begin to focus predominantly on their own opinion and will often stop trying to convince you they are right and will just tell you they are right. This happens because they haven’t felt “heard” in a long time. And when you don’t feel heard you shout your opinion even louder.

Furthermore, a gridlocked marriage can lead to a spouse developing a sense a sense of entitlement. This happens because both partners feel as though they have already given up a lot for this marriage and now their partner is asking for more.

Maybe they feel like they already do spend enough time with the kids, but you want more.

Or maybe they feel that they are already having sex more often they want, but you want more.

Often times their spouse doesn’t seem to appreciate how much they have given up to make this marriage work, so why give more up?

Finally, narcissism and gridlock both look very similar because pain causes all of us to be self-focused and narcissistic. Have you ever known someone who is sick or in pain to not be narcissistic? So, if you think your spouse is a narcist get a second opinion.

Cover of Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas

Maybe you’re right and you are married to an unhealthy individual but what if is just a symptom that your marriage is near the point of no return? Are you willing to end a marriage without trying everything you could to save it? Seek a second opinion either from a trusted therapist or read a book on the subject.

For more information about being married to a narcissist I would recommend Shannon Thomas book “Healing from Hidden Abuse.” She outlines what narcissistic personality disorder looks like and how those people tend to behave.

If you are having troubles or unresolved issues in your marriage or relationship, I can help you. Reach out to me today and schedule your initial appointment.

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